path

...) still, as always


knowing not what it should be.


or what it is.


shying away from acknowledging anything.


and everything.

lost

when, how, and where.


the main questions, the main answers.


it'll all answer itself.


eventually.

30

o povo fala tanto que vai ter crise, que vai ter doidera, que vai ter agonia...


fora os questionamentos do dia-a-dia que se devem a qualquer estrada -bem-ou-mal- trilhada, os 30 são mais é lindos de ser. 


talvez, como disse a amiga, os 30 de ontem sejam os 40 de hoje. estaríamos procrastinando a doidera?

ou, como pode se estruturar o meu caso,a doidera já foi tão exaurida ao longo desses 30 todos que ao chegar neles, há-se uma leveza pairando, esperando pra querer acontecer.


apesar do liseu, daquela que vai ser eterna - a indecisão - das dores e frustrações...

somos quem fomos e quem seremos. somos quem somos, nessa gota serena.


eu quero mais é sorrir.

you know...

sabe quando lhe dizem?
que avisam um negócio...  ?

quando você ouve, desouve e deixa de pensar.

pois pronto.

um tabefe, um tapão...

só assim, mermo.

to wake from one's sleep. and possibly try to keep.

something. or to stay awake.

tabéfe, babe.

at a loss

can't be saved.


confusion never stops.


retrieval.


bring me my ocean.


have my light shine.


once.


at once.


again.


maybe for the first time.


maybe.

to dare

i seem to think i am, or have always been, somewhat of a daredevil.

in sooooo many senses.

it is fact, though. not merely a fabrication of a mind that desires to be as free as it can.

so many aspects where i can fly by, through, push the limits... and it may hurt or caress, cause laughter or tears... i don't shy away. i like to go for it. i do, too much. people judge, i don't really care. i deal. it all becomes a part of me.

yet there's one where i have tried, succeeded and failed, yet not been able to handle the consequences of anything different than what i aimed for. and that's where i eventually still try to not give too much importance to pre-defined facts... but i know i shouldn't. 'cos i'll just throw all of myself into whatever it is all over again -- and not be able to sail through the consequences unharmed. it would become a part of me. but at too high a price.

it damn hurts to realise that there are some things that one just isn't made for.

i guess this is the most personal post in years to surface here. or, at least, the most understandable personal one. all of them are, but more cryptic. [more cryptic that THIS one, maybe??]

i guess i just needed to vent a little. frustration makes me want to scream.

and now i believe i'll try to sing. and envision steps to bail on that which i know will make me suffer too long, too hard and too many toos to risk not thinking about them.


yep.


denial.

happiness is relative

just because...

I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour

But heaven knows I’m miserable now

I was looking for a job, and then I found a job
And heaven knows I’m miserable now

In my life
Why do I give valuable time
To people who don’t care if I live or die?

Two lovers entwined pass me by
And heaven knows I’m miserable now

I was looking for a job, and then I found a job
And heaven knows I’m miserable now

In my life
Oh, why do I give valuable time
To people who don’t care if I live or die?

What she asked of me at the end of the day
Caligula would have blushed

Oh, you’ve been in the house too long she said
And I (naturally) fled

In my life
Why do I smile
At people who I’d much rather kick in the eye?

I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour
But heaven knows I’m miserable now

Oh, you’ve been in the house too long she said
And I (naturally) fled

In my life
Oh, why do I give valuable time

final stop

she wants it no more.


and why is it always about that woman?


why does she not want it anymore?


why might she allow herself to want again?


she's undecipherable. she's weird.


she's just a construction.


as are we all.

who

is she?

she might know, added to what she might have known.

which means she knows not.

still looking.

searching.

wondering.

wandering.

wavering.

wavering a whole lot.

oh,

yes.

she'll still keep her distance.

a one which will go on indefinitely

up until...

up until.

[damn, there's no answer!!]

i

would very much like a shoulder to cry on right about now.

i don't know exactly why.

i never did.

never do.

loss.

maybe?

some part of my own self that used to be lighter.

and -right about now- is too heavy to go unnoticed.

it has its weight variances...

it will get lighter.

i know.

but the now in which i find myself,

the now which is my present truth,

bears me down.

light is upon me, in just a few hours.

i guess i'll just wait for it.

and act on it.